My God can beat up your god, but won't because he's all about luv

I've come to the understanding (and yes, I did just finish Love Wins by Rob Bell) that my entire problem with "getting saved" was never that I don't think I'm man enough for God.

Your god isn't man enough for me.

Your god must have gone to my high school (which explains everything, really):

• he can't abide messes and dirt on his cross--and would you stop it with the clinginess and man-up for once


• he only likes people who go to First Baptists, although there's been some discussion about some First Baptists being more-firsty than others


• he only likes "traditional" people who at the same time bank everything on a secondary-source document translated in the middle of the Second Millennium into a language that's younger than many buildings--and, however illogically, he in the form of a primary-source redeemer preached from because if it ain't King James, it ain't Bible--and through which he's endorsed some incredibly-stoopit ideas and practices


• he apparently approves plowshares being reworked as swords and is pro-life only so that he can have people killed if they grow up to be non-believers or break one of any number of laws that are not consistent or consistently-applied (but he is the author of every last damn one of them because we alone do his will)


• he hates Jews because they killed him (as opposed to the, oh I don't know, Japanese--crucifixion-by-correspondence hadn't been invented yet)


• he is supposed to be the father of every living thing, but only likes Whites and we know this because we saw a movie about Jesus and when he was little, he had the prettiest blue eyes and soft blond curls; et cetera, ad nauseam, blah-la-la, kum by yah....

[I think my fixation with bulleted points is so the pressure's off about me remembering those bothersome grammar rules without betraying my Bachelors which I don't really believe I earned anyway.]

I can't say I know who God is, quite the opposite: I have no free-kicking idea. But I'm just fine with saying I don't know what authority you speak with when you announce you can. "Is Jesus Christian?" is not an offront, it's an opportunity for a reflection on the gigantimacious difference between "Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven" and "my will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven."

I don't know that I'm done, but I'm a little tired now, so I'm going to take a break and smack you around more later--don't go anywhere....